Fucked Up Ramblings

My mind is never free, It never was free, and it never will be free. I have this feeling sometimes... I want to stop thinking so bad, but I am thinking so hard about not thinking that it just doesnt work... I feel trapped in so many ways, how come I cannot just crawl out? I am trapped in my own mind set, trapped from the world. I am closing myself off from it, I don't want to be apart of it anymore. To scary, to large, and if I don't look out it'll get me one day. I can't understand, understand anything... Its just a jumble inside my head, a never ending line of bull shit. If I am not hiding from what I don't want to see, I pretend.. YOu can only hide so long before it catches up with you. I pretend I'm happy... I'm sugar coated, like cotton candy... All fluff, no substance... Do you understand that Mr. you think you know it all? I have been through so much shit its not even funny. I want to die every night, and no one knows because I smile, all I can fucking do is smile... Pretending doesn't get me far usualy... I cant be who I am not. So... I scream and yell and instagate fights... sounds lovely doesnt it? But Hell it gets me through fucking school, right? the teachers think I'm okay, thats all that matters. I'm a good girl with a fucked up life, but if you think about it... I probly wouldn't be such a fucking good girl if I wasn't in this life I lead.. right? Why does this world have to be so screwed up? So bitter? SO BENT ON MAKING LIFE A FUCKING MESS?! You cage yourself up, Hide yourself, you can't stand the torments of the world.. why see it at all? Why not take your life, you know this worlds no good for you. Its only hurting you. I never slept much, I still don't... I keep away from boys, if I get one, they obsess, take over my mind, drain me, hurt me.. blackmail me, then drop me like I was nothing... Or they never cared in the first place. My problem is my whole world. Who I live with, no matter who it is, its the same. What I do is forced on me, I pretend to be happy... I can't stand to not pretend.. I think maybe if I pretend to be happy enough.. then someday... maybe I'll be happy? Isn't happy the california motto? Well fuck where I live.. Its always going to be hell for me..